Philosophising Self worth

My words have dried up the last few weeks. Out of sorts, emotional, culture shock, transition - call it what you like. But now I have a language lesson tomorrow- something to work towards, a step forward...and a smile.
I was writing to a friend this avo...so many emails now that I have a smile... and I was able to crystalise into words that Im really struggling with the fact that because Im new and don’t know anything- I really don’t have anything to contribute here at the moment.

I’ve arrived to a huge job description and can’t do any of it until I become a child, find someone to help me...and learn how to talk, relate, find my place in a new society...all over again.

I think this process is likely to be the topic of many blogs to come- but at the moment Im processing the self-worth bit. I don’t like waiting- but its more than that- Im driven to do something. Do something useful, something worthwhile…make the uncomfortable feeling go away…

What is this uncomfortable 'edge'? I think we all have it to some degree-perhaps me more than most-but what do we do when there’s nothing to ‘do’?

Desperately fill the space.

Why? Why do we seek constant activity? Do we cram it with entertainment? Perhaps we are we avoiding the silence…or the feelings that surface and are heard only in silence.

Do we feel compelled to overflow it with people and ‘important work’? Perhaps we fear not being needed. Perhaps we’ve perpetuated the lie that our self value is solely in our productivity-in which case ‘nothing to contribute’ is a terrifying place to be. Where do we/should we derive our self worth? Relationships? Skills and ability? Looks? Do we have intrisic value separate from our function and interactions? ow! brain pain.

I believe my value is in God- my creator, savior and friend- and his purposes for me...and yet, just 2 short weeks of 'nothing to contribute to my world ' has been an emotional walloping. God has not allowed me to fill the space. Ive had to sit with him, in the silence and acknowledge the inconsistencies between heart and mind... and because he loves me, he will ensure we continue to sit together until I have learned this lesson and learned to trust. It is comforting to know that King David, thousands of years ago learnt this same lesson- and wrote it so eloquently, recorded in Psalm 127
'Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
On that note...Im going to bed because Im being munched by mozzies out here. But if you actually bother to read this far, and you have any thoughts on the matter- please comment, cos I think this could be a theme for me for a while yet.
G'nite