Well, I’m not living in the deep dark depths of Africa anymore- haven’t been for 2.5 months... so I’ve been wondering whether there is anything really worth blogging about now? Do you care what I think of Australian fashion? Australian’s addiction to stuff, sport, the weather? How would you react, I wonder, if I started blogging about the Australian culture the way I did about my host one; describing odd little tendencies and trying to make sense of it?
Being a stranger in your own culture is hard to describe. Which is why I thought I’d throw caution to the wind and try and share my re-entry experiences with you. Are you game??!! Am I game?!
Did you know there are books written about what I’m going through right now? The little hand book I have says that:
‘In the process of coming home, it would seem the cross cultural worker may move through a number of stages... the excitement phase...the defensive phase ...the re-establishment phase...’
It goes on to describe that I might find things tough coming back and not to be too hard on myself. So I haven’t been. I’m just bumbling along trying to take it all in.
Two and a half months and I think I’m only just beginning to realise that this is where I’m gonna be for a while. ‘What am I doing?’ is a big question on my mind right now. I’ve written a list of ALL the things I want to be doing and am trying to work towards each goal a little bit each day and week, but the reality is- my ideal life can’t go on much longer. I’m going to have to earn an income fairly soon. So I’ve been applying for jobs. But do I really want the job?! How will this job make the world a better place to live?! Oh that’s right- we don’t ask those sorts of questions here. They make people feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I’ve come back as an expanded version of myself. Not quite 2 people- cos it’s all still me, but bigger than I can inhabit all at once. I had ways of relating, being and seeing the world here in Australia, then I learnt different ways of relating, being and seeing our world in Malawi. And I can’t live both simultaneously. I value what I learnt in Malawi, so I don’t want to let it all go. But I have to let something go to ‘fit’ and live with any degree of sanity in Australia. I think this is where living on a farm has really helped. It’s allowing me time to just ‘be’ and sift through what has changed in me so I can CHOOSE how to respond- rather than just react.
The loneliness is kicking in too. I miss my friends in Malawi and I have a lot of ground to cover and head space paradigm shifts to get back on the same page with my Aussie friends. It’s not the ‘no people’ sort of loneliness; it’s worse. It’s wanting to scream in a crowd. It’s seeking out people for company and realising that you feel lonelier than ever. There’s no quick fixes in this life eh?!
Well, at least my dog understands me (haha!) or at least provides company, entertainment and distraction. Allow me to introduce ‘Sookie’. She’ll be dotted throughout my farm photos from now on. You’ll probably never meet her in dog cos she can be a bit aggro- but we’re working on that :-)
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