The Stables; my 27th Home

So, besides dog training and continuing the quest to find the biggest and juciest blackberry in the world ( I know its out there!!)...I've also been converting stables to living quarters, because living in a caravan- despite what the grey nomaders will tell you- just ain't that great.

I'll be fair though- there are some positives:

-It's only a small space to clean

-I spend MUCH more time outside so I'm feeling much more in touch with the environment and the seasons- from beautiful full moon nights to raging storms buffeting my 'home', to feeling like i live in an oven on a hot summers day.

-I get to sit knee to knee with visitors

-its an incentive not to put on weight, or grow taller otherwise I just won't fit.

that's all I can think of.

The negatives-

-My (and the dogs) every movement is felt by the whole caravan

-the small space requires cleaning and tidying ALL THE TIME because there is no where to store my stuff, hide the mess and no doors to close.

-it seems to magnify the weather outside. if its hot, its REALLY hot in the van. Cold? Its an ice box. Rain or condensation? it starts dripping through. but as I said, nice to feel at one with the environment!

- I can't sleep straight in the bed cos its too short. The bed is too narrow to turn over freely and the mattress has a 'groove' that just cant be escaped.

.. i could go on...but I won't. Now that you know WHY Ive taken on this crazy project, I'll show you the 'progression' of my 'NEW' home, from goat pen/horse stables/junk yard to glorious hideaway. Ok- so Im not there yet, but its happening.

BEFORE

Jan 2010. im having an issue with blogger. so that'll be all the pics for today- but more to follow!! :)

Re-entry and reverse culture shock and all that

This was written abit in Jan, a bit in Feb...but its still current - so here goes.

Well, I’m not living in the deep dark depths of Africa anymore- haven’t been for 2.5 months... so I’ve been wondering whether there is anything really worth blogging about now? Do you care what I think of Australian fashion? Australian’s addiction to stuff, sport, the weather? How would you react, I wonder, if I started blogging about the Australian culture the way I did about my host one; describing odd little tendencies and trying to make sense of it?

Being a stranger in your own culture is hard to describe. Which is why I thought I’d throw caution to the wind and try and share my re-entry experiences with you. Are you game??!! Am I game?!

Did you know there are books written about what I’m going through right now? The little hand book I have says that:
‘In the process of coming home, it would seem the cross cultural worker may move through a number of stages... the excitement phase...the defensive phase ...the re-establishment phase...’

It goes on to describe that I might find things tough coming back and not to be too hard on myself. So I haven’t been. I’m just bumbling along trying to take it all in.

Two and a half months and I think I’m only just beginning to realise that this is where I’m gonna be for a while. ‘What am I doing?’ is a big question on my mind right now. I’ve written a list of ALL the things I want to be doing and am trying to work towards each goal a little bit each day and week, but the reality is- my ideal life can’t go on much longer. I’m going to have to earn an income fairly soon. So I’ve been applying for jobs. But do I really want the job?! How will this job make the world a better place to live?! Oh that’s right- we don’t ask those sorts of questions here. They make people feel uncomfortable.

I feel like I’ve come back as an expanded version of myself. Not quite 2 people- cos it’s all still me, but bigger than I can inhabit all at once. I had ways of relating, being and seeing the world here in Australia, then I learnt different ways of relating, being and seeing our world in Malawi. And I can’t live both simultaneously. I value what I learnt in Malawi, so I don’t want to let it all go. But I have to let something go to ‘fit’ and live with any degree of sanity in Australia. I think this is where living on a farm has really helped. It’s allowing me time to just ‘be’ and sift through what has changed in me so I can CHOOSE how to respond- rather than just react.

The loneliness is kicking in too. I miss my friends in Malawi and I have a lot of ground to cover and head space paradigm shifts to get back on the same page with my Aussie friends. It’s not the ‘no people’ sort of loneliness; it’s worse. It’s wanting to scream in a crowd. It’s seeking out people for company and realising that you feel lonelier than ever. There’s no quick fixes in this life eh?!
Well, at least my dog understands me (haha!) or at least provides company, entertainment and distraction. Allow me to introduce ‘Sookie’. She’ll be dotted throughout my farm photos from now on. You’ll probably never meet her in dog cos she can be a bit aggro- but we’re working on that :-)

Australia... (not the movie)

I arrived 'home' (Australia) 3 days ago, and, as warned, it's been a bit of a spin. Jetlag aside, I've been seeing this country with a fresh set of eyes, finding myself both excited and appalled by the strangest of things.
But back a step...what was the first thing I did once I hit 'civilisation' (Joburg airport) ? treat myself to a soy latte of course! and photographed it before I took a sip hehe
So, some observations...
After seeing women tie their kids to their backs for 2 years, prams are the most clumsy things I've ever seen.
I thought Australia had an economic crisis? you certainly wouldn't guess by the sheer number of nice cars on the road!
No petrol crisis here! and its only $1.25/L (Malawians pay around $2.15)
I desperately wanted to photograph the fruit and veg shop, but by this stage was already feeling like a freak, so decidied that might not be a good idea.
Fashion- it's just plain overwhelming. Im stuck with the conundrum of wanting to look like everyone else to fit in ...but hating what they're wearing.
There are FIVE different types of soy sauce in the supermarket! everything you could possibly ever dream of wanting food -wise is all in 1 shop!!!
I just watched the garbage truck go by. What a beautiful sight! that menas no acrid smoke wafting through your house. bring it on!
Meat. Its in every meal. Its tender. You can buy lamb.
You can pause TV now??!!
The box is on ALL the time. loud. and everyone just talks over it.
First food item brought at the local food hall??: a HJ's junior whopper. yup they still taste just how I remember 'em. Second? a big plate of sushi (woulda been reversed if I'd found the sushi shop first!)
Number of kilo's put on in 3 days? Im not telling.

We're off for Christmas at a farm somewhere near Coffs Harbour for the next week or so. I Hope you have a fantastic Christmas celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus and enjoying all the good gifts he has showered on us.

I'm still kickin'

wow...its been a whole month since I've posted anything. That's a bit hard-core slack isn't it?!!
well, here is a post I wrote a few weeks ago and forgot to post...
I can't seem to move the photos- so its pictures first! An elephant kiss, Liwonde National Park

The view from the front verandah of our chalet at Nkhata Bay (no zoom used)

My colleague and I at a more formally structured Agriculture lesson about farm planning

So, Where have I been? well, for one- I've been forced to think about leaving and all that it entails. Finishing up well, it turns out, takes a lot of time and energy! So far I've sent 23.5 kgs back to Australia (books!!) in other peoples luggage, 3/4 packed the house, written a huge 'to do' list, started telling people I'm leaving soon, endured several 'we don't want you to leave' speeches and am trying to wrap my head around how I'm gonna face so many painful 'good byes'.

(Addendum- I've now said good bye to most of my groups and packing is still a work in progress)

I've also had 3 friends from Australia visiting the last few weeks, which took us on a tour of the country- from Nkata Bay to Blantyre, from the idyllic lake shores at Cape Maclear to lengthy village meetings in the back blocks of Machinga. Have you ever thought about what you would show people of your life if you wanted to give them an overview? hmm. not sure we quite achieved that, but I gave it a shot and had a great time seeing some of Malawi's highlights along the way!

And...I've finally got an 'official' hobby. you guessed it- photography :) I've joined an online group that advises and critiques, discusses techniques and has online competitions (which is where a fair chunk of ususal 'blogging' internet time and energy has gone). But its FUN! :) learning new stuff, keeping an eye out for 'the perfect shot', debating the strengths and weaknesses of different angles etc. the downside is that I've discovered I'm actually less likely to reach for the camera because I know the lighting isn't right etc. :(

(Addendum- I haven't had much time for this the last few weeks. that's the good thing about this hobby- it can wait :)

I started packing today

I started packing today. it wasn't one of those things where I said 'i'll start packing on Monday', or even a matter of waking up in the morning thinking it's a good day to pack. Nope, I walked into my office with the intention of clearing off a few surfaces so I could move some furniture around to accommodate friends who are visiting Friday and the next thing I know I'm sorting through every bit of paper in the room. With a growing pile of rubbish around my feet, a 'I want that back in Australia' pile and a 'probably not relevant to Australia- but worth stashing for if I ever come back' pile...there was no denying it. Packing had started.
I STILL HAVE SEVEN WEEKS!!!! ok I'm in denial. it felt like just yesterday I still had three and a half months. At this rate i'll be on the plane by tomorrow.

So then I gave in. I brought a suitcase from the awful new chinese shop in town. It is the first suitcase I've ever purchased. The first suitcase I ever remember using was a brown hardened vinyl thing my grandfather? used to use. Then I graduated to backpacks and the style of travel they suit. Coming here I packed everything into boxes, sent it off, then followed at my own pace, taking the scenic route with my backpack through Madagascar and northern Malawi.

Now I own a suitacase that has wheels and points north. You'd think I'd buy a compass, or an airline ticket rather than a suitcase if I wanted to know which direction I was travelling. But now i can pull up my fancy little handle and drag my suitcase down flights of stairs, twisting my wrist and making a terrible racket like everyone else. It's actually the perfect size to not fit in cabin luggage, but to take it on board anyways and obnoxiously demand that it go in the overhead locker while holding up every single other person on the plane. yup my first suitacase.
Or maybe I could just pack it and give it to my parents to add to their weight allowance and stick with my comfy backpack, held together with safety pins... yup (grin) that spells 'adveture' ! now I'm back in my comfort zone.

Decisions Decisions

I slept 11.5hrs last night! The power went off around 6 so I decided to have a candle-lit soak in the tub (with a good book of course!) and it still wasn't on by 7.30 so I thought...'bed time!'... and then I slept and slept with no alarm. Just glorious!

The last few weeks have been busy. The first few days back from my week at Cape Maclear were an up-hill struggle to get back into the swing of things...but now I'm well and truly in the swing!
I think the cause of both the inertia and the sudden activity was the realisation that I only have 10 weeks left!
10 short weeks to finish up all the farm trainings, write up the training outlines, get the translated agriculture brochures finished, prepare M & E and a development frameworks and a proposal, help out with Lake of Stars music festival the permaculture consortium, keep visiting all my friends...

Sort and pack my stuff, say goodbye to everyone and leave well...

Prepare myself for arriving back in the thick of Australian Christmas commercialism, materialism and excesses. Back to a 'home' that has changed since I left. A 'home' that may or may not fit a sojourner whe's been marked by Africa...

And the looming question "what will I do next?''

It's been food for thought talking to people about how they make decisions for the future.
They've all asked different loaded rhetorical questions-

'Where can your life be of most use? -What does God say?' (misso speaking) ...'and the need is really great here and you've already done 2 years and are well into language and culture acquisition so it makes sense to come back...'

'What's the best career step?' (NGO project manager speaking) ...'and by the way, I've got this position that I can't advertise and I think your skills fit and its PAID...'

'What's best for you?- what is your higher self telling you?' (creator of a permaculture hide-away)

"You need to find a husband" (local Yawo friends). ok- that one wasn't a rhetorical question- but I wouldn't expect that from such a straight-speaking culture!

I think each one has a valid point. I do need to listen to God's leading and prompting, and consider how my skills and abilities can best be used...but I don't want to do a job simply because 'there's a need'. There will always be needs.
Career and some form of income aren't bad things either- unless they become the only determining factors.
Making a decision that is best for 'me' is a new one... and quite appealing once I allow the ideas to blossom.
Family- in all it's senses is also something I long for. Yes, a husband and kids would be nice- but bigger than that- do I know my extended family? have I ever made the conscious effort to get to know them and put aside the time that it takes?

Where does the future lead?

Cape Maclear

I'm aware that 2 non-work-related blog entries singing the praises of Malawi's beauty in a row...several weeks apart is going to make it look like all i do is sit around waiting for the perfect sunset shot. But you probably know better. I'll get 'round to actually 'writing' soon, but in the mean time here is a few shots from some time out I took last week in Cape Maclear. I think It's all pretty self explanantory!

having fun. enjoying beauty

I've been realising lately that I don't take much time out to have fun- in fact, I think climbing Mount Mulanje (which I haven't gotten around to blogging about yet) was the first 'fun thing that I didn't have to justify' that I've done since holidays in Namibia in December. Work is important, but so is fun. So yesterday, my Mulanje climbing buddy called and asked if I'd like to climb a hill nearby with her boys in the afternoon? And instead of saying- 'I'd love to, but actually I've got 3 overdue reports to work on and I haven't reconciled my August petty cash' I said 'sounds great'.

So off we went. It was SO much fun! here are some pics.

Intrepid adventurers through the burnt scrub.

View of the Catholic complex below. Somehow it jsut doesnt fit visually with the surroundings...
I've witnessed some pretty beautiful sunsets here- but this one wins. Isn't our God amazing? So gracious not only to allow us life and relationship- but to create a world that has such moments of splendour... and give us the senses to absorb it. Sunsets are good for the soul I tell ya. that's the Shire River down there by the way.So big you wanna just reach out and grab it... and then - it doesn't finish there- you turn around and the show continues!
So anyways ...the petty cash still got done...just after dinner :) And the reports? I'm actually working on them now as I wait for Blogger to upload photos. Multi-tasking!

Hold-Up

Something VERY exciting has happened in this town. Everyone is talking about it....
One of the banks got robbed yesterday!
The story goes that 4 guys pulled up in a car, walked into the bank, started pointing guns around and everyone hit the floor. They then proceeded to bag a million kwacha (about $10,000), walked out and drove off.
The Police were called, but they didn't have any fuel for their cars so the guys got away.
Today there are 2 security guards out the front of the bank. Better late than never?

I've moved a lot...

Ladies and Gents, the 'How many houses have I lived in?' poll is apparently closed,
so the answer:
7 incorrect
13 incorrect
26 correct
32 incorrect
No one voted for the extremes. you probably figured I wouldn't bother making you guess for a measly 7 moves. BUT, 4 out 7 were right- I've lived in 26 different houses (for 2 months or more) in my life... soon to be 27 in Dec when I head back to Oz. yay

haha

I just got acknowledged by no less than FIVE minivan/truck (public transport) drivers on my way down the hill just now. Two were flickers of the headlights, two inside-the-cab waves and one arm-out-the-window exuberant wave...

dya know what this means? (other than that I drive up and down that hill far too often) It means I'm cool. I'm part of 'the crew'. I'm acknowledged. I BELONG!!!! ok, so the mangochi-chiponde stretch of the Muluzi Highway in the backwaters of Malawi...in the back waters of Africa, which is arguably the back waters of the world- may not sound like the most desirable place to belong- BUT...wait for it :)
it's cool because 1. im a girl 2. im white 3. ive ony been here a year and a half 4. Ive never met ANY of the drivers- so my reputation is sight and word of mouth only and 5....i don't think there's a five. i just think its cool that I'm counted part of a really obscure sub cultural group that Ive never met, simply because of my work.
that is all.

Cool video

explanation to follow... ;-)

home sweet home

On our little moutain climb on the weekend, one of the climbers did a survey of random stuff- just for interest, like- how many pairs of socks did you pack, how many languages do you speak, how many houses have you lived in...
well- that one made me pause. It took a while- but I finally figured it out. Can you guess how many houses I've called 'home' in my life time?

Ode to Inebriation

It's that time of year again. Every country's got it. Silly season. The season when normal, everyday people behave very, very strangely ...

Those that usually shy away from the camera are suddenly right in front of the lense, demanding a picture, performing even!

I give you (drum roll) my photographic ode to inebriation :-)

random photos

I thought it high time for some non serious- no brainer photos. haven't posted a good photo in a while- probably cos they take so long to upload! so here's some stuff I thought worth photographing...but not worth a blog entry all to themselves :)

My village dishwasher - unfortunately doesn'twork so well for the outside of the pots.

I got my hair braided for a party. OUCH!!!! - for a super mullet from hell- why would you? -is all I can say for that. It stayed in 12 hrs exactly.

I took a visitor to Monkey Bay to catch the Ilala Ferry up the lake. I had no idea there was a full (mini) industrial port there! with all the locals washing their clothes and bathing right next to it of course!

Super size Ugali

I really like this photo. Not sure why. Maybe cos the red is pretty? cos it's so symbolic of the sheer amount of soft drinks consumed here. Or maybe the juxtaposition of the multibillion dollar? company as a back drop to the lady selling donuts for a return of $1.30/day if she manages to sell them all. or maybe it somehow captures that it can actually get cold here...sometimes.

More boats and another port- but this time of a different nature. Along the shores of Lake Chilewa the fishermen have cut a channel through the thick reads- all the way out to deeper water. Boats in every state of disrepair litter the shallows. I love it.

Unyago- Initiation Celebrations

It's that time of year again. I got back to the village to find that a few of my little friends (8-9 yr olds) had gone- taken into seclusion for their initiation. I also got back to discover that the initiation area for the boys had been constructed 100m from my house! wow- that's cultural exposure!

I couldn't figure out why they would have put it there where I can hear everything - when I'm such an outsider? Then I found out why. My night watchman is the head organiser, teacher and carer for the boys. He has to be there 24/7. He also has to make sure my house doesn't get broken into at night. Solution to the problem? Put the initiation area next to work! hahaha yay for me.

There are 3 symbolic 'gates' along the path to the grass enclosure and if the uninitiated enter- woe to them - the place is protected spiritually. The singing and drumming happens sporadically throughou tthe day. It's still early in the piece so they only drum and sing for a few hours each night- but I'm sure the best is yet to come.
I know this is an incredible experience that very few people get to witness- but Im thinking I might buy some earplugs.

Transmission Oil

I ran out of cooking in the village yesterday, so wandered down to the local 'golosale' (grocery) and brought myself a 10c bag of oil- like everyone elses.

That evening I pulled it out to cook with and it had changed from a golden oil consistency to a pale butter-yellow textured consistency.

Now it also happened that I had two young men visiting me at the time- one from Zimbabwe who doesn't speak Ciyawo and one who wants to learn English- both of whom were eating into my precious Ciyawo learning/speaking opportunities with frivolousness about my MP3 player that they were covoutesly making playlists on ... Anyways- I held up the oil and asked what the heck was going on and one of them said 'oh- that's transmission oil' as if it was the most normal thing in the world and continued to flip through Alicia Keys songs which reminded me that I really needed to cleanse my player of her music at the nearest opportunity. A discussion ensued about whether it might be sunflower or peanut oil- but they both agreed that vegetable oil doesn't change colour like that so 'yeah- it's transmission oil- they buy it cheap from Mozambique'. Back to Alicia Keys. Granted she probably does hold more appeal to red blooded males than my cooking oil.

Needless to say I didn't find this explantion very satisfactory. I've heard that the power problems are often due to people draining the oil form transmission boxes for cooking but I didn't think it happened on a massive scale- i mean- this cooking oil is sold EVERYWHERE.

Having to choose between dinner cooked without oil or with oil (even if it was transmission oil) I chose the transmission oil and decided to ask my language helper about it the next day.
'Do they sell transmission oil for cooking?' I asked - ever so tactfully. 'yeah' she replied. 'Isn't that petroleum based - like- really bad for you to eat? Isn't it like cooking with vaseline?' she thought about it for a while 'they sell that one cheap for the poor people- I think you should buy your oil from the supermarket'.
'ok'

Does someone out there in blog land know what kind of oil is used in electical transmission boxes? Surely it would taste bed?! Is there a correlation, by any chance, between this and malawi's horrifically low life expectancy? I'd love to know what's going on.

27/7/2009 The workers around here got a shock this morning. First a concoction of aloe vera gel, honey and lemon juice. Then a mug of lemon grass tea with honey. They're hovering to see what's next. Lucky them- I'm also in a baking mood, so it's chocolate cake.

Yup- the whitey's been to a natural medicine course and has come back all full of garden, concoction and dietary ideas :) The course was great. it was called 'Natural Medicine in the Tropics', run by 'anamed' (http://www.anamed.net/).


I think what I liked most about it was the fact that half the medicinal palnts are growing in my garden already- ie readily available to normal people (people living inthe tropics that is!)

So a few natural health tips to my Aussie friends?


Garlic is fantastic for boosting the immune system. It has antiseptice, anti-viral, anti-biotic, anti- fungal adn antidiabetic properties. Include as much raw garlic in your diet as possible. Tip: chop it small, adn stir it through your food jsut prior to serving. If the whole family is eating it- no one will complain of the smell. If you're still worried about aroma- apparently eating a bit of ginger is good at getting rid of garlic breath!

Aloe vera - slit open the leaf adn scoop out 1-2 Tbspn of the gel/day, or chop and boil the leaf to make a tea. Add honey if it's too bitter for you. Aloe is an immune system regulator- boosts it if it needs boosting, settles it if you're having an allergic reaction. It also facilitates the absorption of vitamins adn other minerals and is great for soothing stomach ulcers.

Lemons are full of vitamins- drink the juice of 1 lemon every day.

Lemon Grass and guava leaves - made into tea's are also really good for you- but Im too tired to remember what they do right now...if you really want to know- email me :)

Goodbyes addendum

I'm sorry- I ended that last post badly. The news was a shock.

This place fades all my petty insecurities into insignificance. With life expectancy hovering around 40 and one in 5 kids not making it to the age of 5 - my friends all face the eternal goodbyes with horrifying (for me) regularity.

The well digger asked for an advance on his pay 2 months ago so he could pay for his young daughters funeral. Then a fortnight ago he asked for another advance so he could buy medicine. I gave it- but I had no idea how sick he was. I can only image how devastated his wife must be.

Not that we- in the west- are immune to death- most of us have had someone close to us die - it's just that the unexpected ones happen alot less frequently- with a lot more outrage.

Perhaps my loathing of goodbyes isn't insignificant. Perhaps it reveals my understanding and experience of the transience of life on this planet. I live knowing today could be my last. Not taking the gift of other people- relationships- forgranted.

In the past I've asked -what is the solution? how do I make goodbyes easier? make the pain go away?! (not cry embarrassingly :-x) But I think I've come to the conclusion that it's ok. It doesn't need to change. The pain is a good pain - it means that I've embraced life, and friendships- soaked them in deeply. And when they change, or end- although I feel deeply sad and have a hole in my life where that person used to fit- I've actually gained so much- the richness and depth of the relationship that has contributed to who I am.

I'm an introvert and I'm ok...

Personality types have been a bit of a theme at the moment. I've been reading a bit of stuff about Myers Briggs personality types, but then at the course this week, one of the facilitators came up to me and said- "I've got a book called 'The Introvert Advantage' that you might find interesting". I smiled and took the book and thought...where the heck did that come from? Am I THAT much of an introvert that someone I've met twice is lending me a self help book? Thankfully he was such a genuine person that you couldn't be more than puzzled.


I skim read the book. It said that introversion isn't about whether or not you're shy or like people- it's about where you draw your energy from. If you are energised by being in the thick of the action and interacting with lots of people- then you're an extrovert. Introverts (innies) have a lot less energy in general than extroverts- and really need to pace themselves and have quality time alone to recharge their batteries. It said innies are easily overwhelmed by too much sensory information and when it gets to overload- the brain just blanks out. It said that innies often forget stuff- basic stuff, like what they like to do. Brain blanking can happen when they're put on the spot- just a word lost- or a whole body of knowledge (that they're often experts in) just slips beyond grasp in the hot spotlight of other peoples gaze. Innies tend not to open their mouths unless they think they know what they're talking about- and they probably don't consider themselves to know much at all until they've studied something at far more depth than any normal person would bother. They hate being the centre of attention. They often feel guilty that they don't have the energy or the desire- or even abilty to do the 'group thing' - whether at work or socialising. And they rarely come back with a fast answer- they need time to think about stuff and are likely to re-open yesterdays conversation to say what they couldn't think of saying at the time.


man it made me feel better!!! :)


I remember when I first did the personality test- I got all the letters, looked up the description... and found myself reading all about my Dad. No- that's my dad- not me. Then I did the test again trying to draw my answers from how I would respond in a work situation. Different letter combo- different description. This time I was reading all about my boss. No- that's not me either. Did it again and got straight down the middle. A perfectly balanced human being?! :) really confused?! no just a 'pleaser'.


I've gotten to know myself a lot better in Africa and be ok with it. Take myself less seriously. Accept the facts. The fact is- I did find it a big effort to socialise at the course. 15 new faces were overwhelming and I was quite happy to spend a large number of the breaks in the corner with a cuppa and book. I watched on mildly envious as people formed little cliques - but really enjoyed one on one conversations with people- even if I did forget my words sometimes....


The book also provided much entertainment both to me and my extrovert room mate (for the duration of the course) where it got into relationship advice - starting with tips for how to meet a potential partner. It included gems like 'smile at people in the elevator, do your washing at the laundromat, or take your dog to the dog park' which had my friend in stitches imaginging all these really shy people buying dogs so they can meet someone in a dog park... :)


Thankfully introversion-extroversion is a continuum and I'm hovering just off centre :-p

So- a question for you- the book said 25% of the population are innie and 75% are outie- do you recon that's true? what are you?